The Dangers of Wielding Anti-Vampire Weapons
by Skarrow
Summary: Two-shot: Yuuki and Zero both fall in love with their own anti-vampire weapons instead of actual people. Kaien should have kept a closer eye on his two kids. (CRACK PAIRINGS: Yuuki x Artemis Rod and Zero x Bloody Rose Gun)
1. Artemis Agrotera

A/N: I don't own Vampire Knight.

(Should I rate this story **T** or **M**?)

**WARNING:** **Pure crack. Slight, unnecessary angst. One horrible implication near the end that is worthy of an M rating.**

Please don't kill me for writing this. This was a challenge that I foolishly accepted from _somebody_. **You know who you are**.

* * *

**"Artemis Agrotera"**

* * *

The beginning of Yuuki's demented affection took place when Kaien Cross deemed his beloved daughter ready to train with an actual anti-vampire weapon instead of the wooden pole she was already adept with. So he presented her with one of two weapons he currently held in his possession:

The Artemis Rod.

Yuuki had shivered slightly with awareness when her fingertips touched the cool metal for the very first time. Though she was only a pre-teen, even she could sense there was _something_ unearthly about Artemis.

Kaien had told her that these vampire-slaying arms were alive - and wielding them wasn't the same thing as wielding a normal weapon.

And he was right. The first time Yuuki tried using Artemis, it was as if the Rod was intentionally trying to make her life miserable by readjusting Yuuki's swinging aim off by inches, extending and retracting itself at random inconvenient times, tripping Yuuki over by jamming itself between her booted feet and even sporadically changing its weight from hammer heavy to feather light, badly scrambling her attack rhythms.

At the end of the hour, Yuuki was sporting bruises she'd somehow inflicted on herself!

But the girl did not give up.

Day after day, she worked hard at mastering the use of the Artemis Rod - perfecting the moves, gaining its trust, synchronizing with its mind.

And the Artemis Rod only seemed to grow more lovely and more deadly with each training session... still, Yuuki faithfully trained with it and only with this weapon alone, for she soon found that she could not settle for practicing with the wooden stick she once used.

For there was _something_ inside her that pushed her to pick up Artemis again even after she was tired and hungry, even when her body was so fatigued she could barely move a muscle. Yuuki wanted absolute perfect control over the anti-vampire weapon.

Both Kaien and Zero had long given up trying to stop her from pushing herself to her limits, as she'd never listen to them anyways. Plus they couldn't bring themselves to completely stop the sheer determination she had, either. The more she conditioned her body, the better she'd be at fighting off vampires, right?

But one day, Yuuki found herself at an impasse.

This wasn't an actual _problem_. The weapon wasn't throwing her off anymore; they complemented each other perfectly now.

Perfectly...

Yuuki had a feeling that there was still something beyond Artemis, something more powerful and beautiful than what she had currently. But Yuuki had just reached the limit of her abilities. So nothing more could be done. Yuuki had come a long way.

* * *

Yuuki stood absolutely still, her grip on the Artemis Rod admiriably firm. All was quiet at the Headmaster's private residence. The window was open, the moonlight brightly illuminating everything within Yuuki's bedroom.

Back then, the feel of Artemis intimidated her, and made Yuuki feel clumsy and unworthy. But now she fit inside Yuuki's hand comfortably, familiarly, like an old friend. It was a feeling she enjoyed, a sensation as natural as breathing.

As long as she had her, all was right in the world.

Yuuki lifted the Rod up with both hands so she could see it properly.

Artemis looked absolutely... _wonderful_.

Yes, she was a weapon made to kill vampires without mercy, but to Yuuki she was more than that. Much, much more than that.

Bewitched by the softly illuminated metal, and not really understanding what she was doing or what was going on, Yuuki lifted Artemis even closer and slowly bent her head.

She timidly touched her lips to her body in a reverent, worshipping kiss.

* * *

A strange fate had befallen her.

Yuuki had fallen in love, deeply, passionately in love with her anti-vampire weapon.

It should be said that Artemis was not a "thing", but a "she", a semi-sentient protector. To Yuuki, there was a huge difference between the two.

But it should also be said that there was no hopeless female suitor as desperate as Yuuki.

Yuuki would press soft and longing kisses upon her smooth, pale skin - she would not kiss back. Yuuki would tenderly caress her sensual, irresistable curves and lines - she would remain cold and unresponsive.

For a time, Yuuki pretended, like how little girls play with their dolls, that Artemis was loving her back. So she continued to touch, to taste, even tucking her into bed at night, imagining that her steel mistress was returning all of her efforts with eager affection.

But Yuuki was not a child anymore; she could not go on pretending for very long. Yuuki loved a lifeless thing. She was hopelessly and utterly wretched.

Tonight, Yuuki stared at Artemis, the love of her life, nestled securely in her hands once again.

It was time to consummate their love.

* * *

"...Will she be alright now, Kaname-kun?"

"Yes. It's a good thing you found her when you did, Chairman. Otherwise Yuuki would have seriously scarred herself."

Kaien Cross sighed. For once, his face was devoid of its usual cheerfulness. "I'm just glad Zero is already asleep. I'm just glad that I... was able to stop her in time."

Try as he might, the ex-vampire hunter could not erase the image of his lovely daughter stripped naked, lying in bed, holding Artemis and just about to...

"As am I," Kaname replied softly, his gaze never wavering from Yuuki's peaceful sleeping face. "But I suppose this is partly my fault, as well. Perhaps, if I had kept a close eye on her she never would have... gone that far. Thank you once again for informing me, Chairman."

"No, thank you for coming to her aid."

Yuuki, now dressed in her bathrobe, continued to sleep - unaware of what her adoptive father and her crush/big brother-figure were discussing.

Would she recover from her madness?

Only time could tell.

* * *

**Artemis Agrotera END**

* * *

Next chapter:

**"You Can't Stop The Gun"**


	2. You Can't Stop The Gun

A/N: I don't own Vampire Knight. Aren't you glad I don't?

Here's the second chapter, a.k.a. the oneshot that started it all. I actually wrote this before "Artemis Agrotera" (you'll notice that it's much longer and more detailed, as well). I hope you'll enjoy reading(?).

**WARNING:** **Pure crack.** **Also, (kinda) Badass Kaien. Justified(?) semi OOC-Zero. Actually, nothing could possibly justify why I made him this way...**

* * *

**"You Can't Stop The Gun"**

* * *

"Nghhh..."

Zero Kiryu had been rudely awakened from his uneasy slumber by the feel of something slithering around his arms, neck and upper torso... and the feel of something akin to needles plunging into his flesh.

His first instinct was to pull out his trusty anti-vampire weapon and defend himself - but in the next second he realized it was Bloody Rose herself that was assaulting him.

He concentrated, willing her with his mind to calm down but - either she was ignoring him or he was too weak to exert proper control over her - Bloody Rose simply tightened her hold on him.

And began to drink his blood.

"...!"

His breath caught in his throat. Terror began to build up inside him, threatening to engulf him. Slowly, the teen began to struggle against his thorny restraints. In response the sentient weapon wrapped herself around his legs and ankles as well, binding him in place.

The sounds of sucking and slurping filled the air; the coppery scent of his own blood assaulted his nostrils. But he only half-noticed this.

Because within his mind, Zero was not in his dingy little apartment but back in the house he'd lived in when he was a child... at the mercy of Shizuka Hio as she drank his blood. She may have been killed three months ago but that wasn't enough to stop his nightmares from reoccuring. Zero would never forget the feeling as long as he lived.

Bloody Rose continued to feed.

His heartbeat quickened. He began to struggle even harder against the restraints, to no avail. Because Bloody Rose only became empowered as she drank his blood. In a way, she was just as dangerous and beastly as the nocturnal beings Zero had sworn to kill.

"S-stop... dammit, Bloody Rose, stop...!" Zero could feel himself weakening as his blood was slowly drained; still he continued to fight against her.

How could he have let his guard down around her? How could he have been so careless?

When...did he start referring to the anti-vampire weapon as a "her" rather than an "it"?

How could he allow this to happen almost every night?

"You're just like those damn blood-suckers!" he snapped. He didn't know where he got the strength to shout, but he'd managed it.

Almost instantly, the non-consensual feeding session halted. Because she was wrapped so tightly around him Zero could practically feel her stiffen.

He was unprepared for the familiar feelings of guilt that suddenly washed heavily over him.

Zero was lightheaded, but still held enough mental awareness to perceive that it was eminating from Bloody Rose herself - she had stopped drinking from him, but she was still attached to him after all.

Bloody Rose was feeling guilty. It was a sensation that Zero could identify with all too well. Every damn time he'd used his childhood friend Yuuki Cross to quench his thirst back at the Academy...

Yuuki wasn't there anymore to help him. His raging thirst remained. He understood firsthand how horrible it was to go on for so long without the blood that quenched your thirst.

So who was he to deny Bloody Rose's thirst when he'd given in to his own in the past?

Zero closed his eyes and hesitantly ordered her to continue feeding.

The anti-vampire weapon was still embracing him tightly, although the silver-haired teen was no longer struggling. In response to his order she suddenly squeezed his torso, her thorns digging even deeper into his skin, startling him out of his thoughts.

Before Zero could even think, a new set of metal vines rose out of the darkness and snaked towards his face and body. He flinched when he felt them touch him - and blinked in surprise and confusion when he realized Bloody Rose wasn't trying to smother him. He was even more surprised when the sharp thorns embedded in his flesh were slowly pulled out.

The metal ropes began to smooth over his body, softly and gently. They even rubbed against his cheek and neck in a tender way.

Zero felt his face grow warm. "What th-?!"

His protest was cut off when the vines shifted and slid all over him in a possessive, loving, full body caress.

"N-nhh..."

Zero closed his eyes, swept away by the maelstrom of emotions and sensations that crashed through him.

This time, he did not resist when she fed on his blood.

He just didn't have the strength to push away the "woman" who embraced him so tightly.

* * *

Kaien felt that something was very, _very_ wrong when he stopped just outside Zero's door.

He still thought of the boy as his precious son, and gave his best efforts to look out for him, making it a point to visit him as much as he could. Just like what he was doing now.

The newly re-instated vampire hunter tensed when he heard a soft, inhuman cry resound from just beyond the door. More importantly, he couldn't feel Zero's presence.

He swiftly kicked the door down and barged inside the loft, fully expecting Zero to be absent and some uninvited guest waiting inside instead.

There was a gust of warm air, a loud rattling noise-

"!"

Kaien unsheathed his anti-vampire sword in one fluid motion and knocked away the the metal ropes that whipped towards his face.

"What on earth...?!"

Now he was seeing the interior of the apartment for the first time. In the dim light from the hallway, metal vines covered the walls, ceiling and floor, shifting, sliding and writhing. With each quiver, the "thorns" scraped against the wood and clanged against each other. Tendrils reached up, reached out and bent towards him from all angles.

"Is this Bloody Rose?!" Kaien wasn't too sure because it looked and behaved differently than he remembered... until he saw a familiar teenage male wrapped up in the deadly vines, lying on his bed. His eyes were closed. He was completely still.

"Zero!"

Kaien dashed towards his adoptive son.

With a groan, the anti-vampire weapon attacked him again. Kaien swung his sword a second time but could not prevent a couple of stray thorns from knocking off his glasses and glancing off his cheek, leaving a small cut next to his ear. But he didn't care - he needed to get to Zero.

Right before the hunter could reach him though, several metal vines that were larger than the others blocked off his path. It took Kaien six strokes of his blade just to cut them when usually it would take one. To his growing frustration, the vines simply just grew back after slicing them off.

_The Bloody Rose is too strong... just how much blood did it take from Zero?!_

Kaien growled when the light shining from outside the flat was blocked off. Bloody Rose now had him completely surrounded, to the point where he couldn't even see Zero's prone form anymore. The warm air became unbearably uncomfortable, the rattling noises grew frantic and the anti-vampire weapon's sighs whispered around him.

"So, my poor son's blood isn't enough for you now? You want mine, as well?"

The hunter's hazel eyes narrowed. He entered one of his basic sword stances, preparing one of his stronger attacks.

"How greedy."

If Kaname Kuran were here, pacifying the berserk anti-vampire weapon with peaceful methods would've been a possibility. But he wasn't.

To save Zero, Kaien would have to beat down Bloody Rose with brute force.

* * *

Zero never wanted to leave this warm embrace, even if it were a farce.

But then, those possessive tendrils shuddered, and loosened their hold.

_No..._

Zero finally found it within himself to open his eyes.

He was instantly taken aback by the sight that greeted him - Kaien Cross mercilessly slashing at Bloody Rose with his own weapon.

_No..._

The warmth, the feelings of safety, slowly slipped away from him, and in their place a cold emptiness formed.

"No!"

Kaien's head snapped up in surprise. "Zero?!"

Why did the Chairman's voice sound like it came from right above him, when he was actually a few feet away? Zero blinked and tightened his grip on the Chairman's leg-

Ah. That was why. The teen himself had closed the distance between them, and was now clinging desperately to Kaien.

"..."

Zero felt so weak. It took everything he had just to hold on like this.

Kaien smacked away the vines that threatened to disarm him. "Don't worry, Zero. I'll save you."

"St..."

Zero struggled to speak, but he'd used up so much energy when he'd shouted "no" earlier.

Nevertheless, Kaien had heard and understood what he was trying to say. "I'm sorry, Zero. But Bloody Rose needs to be contained. If this goes on, you'll die."

"Don... care..."

"Do you understand what you're saying?!"

With every sword slash, Zero felt his connection to Bloody Rose weaken more and more. It terrified him. Even though he no longer remembered the reason why he needed her in the first place, why he was in so much pain, or why he needed to be saved.

...He needed to be saved?

"Zero, you have to snap out of it. Don't let the anti-vampire weapon keep its hold on you! At this rate-"

"Don't!" Zero shouted, startling the older man. "Don't do it...!"

His next words caused Kaien to gape at the teen in shock.

"...Z-Zero..."

Kaien stared for a minute, speechless, before slowly closing his eyes. "...I'm sorry, Zero."

He reached down and incapacitated the silver-haired teen with his free hand.

* * *

When next he awoke, Zero found himself on his bed once again, his arms and legs covered in bandages. Looking down at himself he saw that his chest and stomach were bandaged as well.

_Where is she?_

Zero tried to get out of bed and collapsed to his knees from a lack of strength.

"Oi, you stupid disciple! Stop making things worse for yourself!" Yagari Touga was instantly by the teen's side. Despite his harsh words, his grip was gentle as he tried to help Zero back into his bed.

"Where..."

"Hunh?"

"Where... is... she..."

Unable to stay awake, Zero closed his eyes again.

The honest concern on Yagari's face slowly changed into one of grim understanding. Once Zero was back in bed, he straightened and turned to face Kaien, who was watching from a chair in one far corner of the room. "He's that far gone, huh?"

"Zero-kun is stronger than you think, Yagari-kun. I believe he will be alright."

Yagari dropped down into a chair next to Kaien and sighed. "When did it start?"

"I wonder. Perhaps, right after Rido Kuran's attack..." Kaien ventured. "But it's frightening to think that Zero - for three whole months - has been at Bloody Rose's mercy."

"Bloody Rose is that damn Kuran's anti-vampire weapon, right? And to think that even though he's no longer at the Academy, he's still causing us a whole lot of trouble."

"Yagari-kun-"

"Yeah, yeah, don't waste your breath, old geezer, I've heard it all before. So. What do you plan to do now, "daddy"? Go ask Kuran for help?"

"I wish it were that easy." Kaien chuckled. "Kaname-kun would be very reluctant to help him, even if I asked him nicely. Even if Yuuki asked him nicely. No, I think that leaving Zero alone to heal on his own would be the best course of action. Besides, he'd never forgive me if I enlisted a pureblood's help."

"Not to mention you'd be seriously breaching the vow you took before you were released from Association's confinement," Yagari reminded the older man dryly.

Kaien nodded. "That, too. Well anyways, thanks for dropping by to deliver my paperwork Yagari-kun. You can go now."

"What am I, your secretary?"

With a huff, the dark-haired hunter stood up and marched out of the room without looking back.

Kaien laughed as the door slammed and lumbered wearily to his feet. He was still a bit fatigued from the effort he exerted to contain Bloody Rose last night. The sandy-haired man had to admit - fighting an anti-vampire weapon that had gone berserk was a whole new experience for him.

He glanced at the desk, where Bloody Rose was placed after he'd managed to force it back into its gun form. It glinted eerily in the early morning light.

Unbidden, his memory of what Zero had wheezed out before he was incapacitated resurfaced.

**_"I love her."_**

Kaien knew that Zero would definitely heal... but it would take a long while.

A very long while.

* * *

**You Can't Stop The Gun END**

* * *

A/N: In the meantime, I think I will rewrite Artemis Agrotera. Hmm, and maybe I should upload an epilogue that explains what's going on? What do you guys think?


End file.
